I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
