living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
