my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
