so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
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