Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
