I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
