Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
