Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
