Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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