oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
