Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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