Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
