Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
In other news, I just burned my penis
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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