I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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