i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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