Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
