Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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