Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
