Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
