In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
