Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
