What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
