i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
