The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
