She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
