There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
