I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
as a side note pls kill me
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
