Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She made me pour olive oil on her.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
