There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
