I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
