i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
