so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You are the jesus of drinking
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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