I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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