tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
