Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
