Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
even my farts smell like vagina
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
