I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
