Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
