Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
