Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
