I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
