If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We smell like vodka and hangover
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