We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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