You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
