i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
