I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
we're so committed to being not committed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
