he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
