the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
