this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
