I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
