I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
